My friends, they love my intelligence
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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