he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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