My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
