Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
