Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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