please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
