I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
