New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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