dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
True strength comes from lack of pants
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
