Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
