you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
