At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
