I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
