They should really pass out barf bags in church
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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