I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
They have beer where we have blood.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
