Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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