I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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