Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
not ubering you a puppy
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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