I think I died a long time ago.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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