My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
