I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
