At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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