Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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