Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
