my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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