if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This house was built for laser tag.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
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In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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