Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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