I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
