her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
