Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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