I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
