Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
