Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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