Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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