Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
