We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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