a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
