laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
