I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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