Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
