And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
