now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
