He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A+ Viking dick
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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