I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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