Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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