Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.