Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
