So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
