i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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