I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
