its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
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I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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