I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
