You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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