Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
