Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
