when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
