I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize