My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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