I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
