Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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