the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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