alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
if only i could text you this smell
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
