If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
